I started a Christian blog over a year ago for normal Christians and for people with ADD and other mental crazynesses. That’s a new term in the DSM, by the way. This blog has a Christian overtone because that’s the only way I know how to see life. With God. Without Him there is no life. So maybe this fits in this blog, maybe it doesn’t. But it must be said.
I never liked taking care of myself. For 51 years I’ve periodically gone back in my mind to the days when Mom and Dad were home on a weekday night and I would drive up our steep driveway after a long day at school. I was 18 or 19, and loved to be at home. I wasn’t a partyer and didn’t care to be with groups my own age because I knew that no matter how unskilled I was socially, Mom and Dad didn’t care. I didn’t know about ADD then but I knew that they were safe and more than one friend at a time wasn’t. I didn’t have the ability or energy or confidence to deal with anyone else.
When I drove up to the house, the lights would be on welcoming me. Mom would be in the kitchen fixing dinner, and Dad would be sitting in his recliner watching the news. They smiled when I came in and asked me how my day was. They paid for my gas to get to school, my lunch while I was there, my dinner when I got home, my bed when I went to sleep, and my Thursday night TV fix of ‘The Cosby Show’. They gave me warm talks around the fireplace and exciting vacations and family dinners and above all else, security with love.
I want to go back.
But I can’t. No one can. Life truly is hard and the world doesn’t care. People all around the world die daily because there is no one near who cares. This could be me. It may be me someday if (insert name of past or current president or other hated politician or celebrity) gets his way.
I got fired three years ago. One broken ankle, one year of disability, and 99 weeks of unemployment later, I’m forced to stop crying and start providing for myself as fast as possible if I want to eat tomorrow. Literally. That’s God’s mercy, folks. We with ADD don’t learn important lessons very well. It takes repetition and a knock on the head. We don’t do planning for the future at all well. So God keeps providing lessons. I can read. Why don’t I learn from other’s hardships so I can avoid all this pain myself? Because I’m human. And because I am a human with ADD and Bipolar and anxiety disorder and I’m single and there’s no support to get expensive help.
Since I was a completely crappy employee as a Food Service Director at a hospital, I figure the hard work necessary now would be easier and I’d do it better if I liked what I was doing. So I’m blogging. And I’m selling stuff on eBay. By the way, eBay pays experienced instructors to give a class on the basics and beyond of selling on eBay. I took this class last week and it was fantastic! Highly recommended.
This blog is too long. From what I’ve read so far about blogging, keep it relatively short, don’t get too personal, and provide helpful content. Sorry guys. This one’s about me and God and anyone who may feel the same or be in the same shoes. There is hope if we wait and look.
That’s not to say I’ve sold a thing or gotten a writing job or even a part-time at MacDonald’s. I’ve been too overwhelmed by it all to get moving. Depression feeds on calamity and ADD/Bipolar is there for the kill. But God. He’s letting me suffer a little so that I will become stronger. He’s giving me the gift of coming to the end of myself so that He can show Himself strong on my behalf. And He will. Tomorrow. Now, actually. And I’m going to let you know as His blessings come. Even the blessings in disguise.
One of my my next posts will be on the hardship of defending against ignorant people who say that there is no such thing as an un-apparent mental disorder. Like ADD or Bipolar or Anxiety. With one side of the mouth they spout sympathy for the mentally ill, and with the other side say there are no degrees of illness nor behavioral symptoms nor reasons why we have trouble doing the things that others find normal.