Category Archives: job loss

Pain; It’s Personal

I know the experts say to make each post about your readers.  They say not to get personal.

But here’s the rub.  Mental illness is personal.  To me.  To you.  To all who suffer with it in all its delightful forms.  To all who love or live with someone with it.

Today is personal.  I suffered.  Did you?  Maybe my personals today will resonate with someone.  You are not alone.

Times are tough for me.  Stress is high.  The people I live with don’t get it.  To them, I’m just being lazy and irresponsible.

My kin doesn’t get it.  I was irresponsible 15 years ago, and didn’t pay back what I had used.

She’s right.  I was irresponsible.  My behavior, then as now, was not socially or financially acceptable.  But when cancer hurts and there’s no painkiller, you scream and write a lot and spend what you have on release, not duty.  You get desperate.  You don’t connect now with later.  ‘Wait’ is not a space of time; it’s just a ‘weight’ on the soul.

I don’t think she gets her own child either.  Genetics played a nasty joke on her progeny.

Now I need a job.  I look some, but focus is almost impossible and distractions abound.  The emotions partly born of insecurity, fear, worry, and loneliness wring out the last dregs from my cup of possibilities.  The first dregs got drained by my own duplicitous brain.

I pour forth detailed plans in monster waves.  They crash and foam and never reach shore.  I can’t carry them out.  Dust bunnies get in my way.  Dishes and grass clippings and expectations attack. Desire is legion, but priority is AWOL. I’m trapped; no car, no way to run, so few tools to help.

Insurance was nice.  The county sucks.  It’s not their fault.  There’s just too many of us.  Why?  What did people used to do back when?

Today’s last straw was just a pin-sized twig, but it broke this ass’s back.  It’s always that way.  Little stuff is seen through a magnifying glass every time.

I truly didn’t want to live.  I planned on it to help get me through, but it refused and now I’m limited to the struggle.  I need another shot of safety; just for a week.  I can’t stand the limits!  Not again!

I scream, I cry, I question and storm and beg for release.  I hate this pain that drills deep. I can’t filter out the pain of the past or the pain of the future or the pain of entwined others either.  It won’t let me go.  It’s always peaking around corners and saying ‘boo’ just when I’ve turned the corner.  I’m always ready now to jump.

Oh if I could snuggle!  Arms with skin on help so much if they are gentle.  The arms of faith have disappeared today.  I’m so guilty because I’ve seen them so big before.

So where is the glass half-full?  I dropped it and it broke, long ago.  The shards got stuck in my foot.  The liquid evaporated.  I should try I guess to levitate with my mental magic prowess the cup there in the cupboard over to the faucet pouring with water.  But today, magic doesn’t exist.  Does it ever?

There’s one boon today.  Satan was winning.  He loves to tell me that God won’t provide like He said.  After all, look at the widows in India.  They beg for their food.  Their husbands have died and their sons disown them.  Some starve and their bodies are thrown in the river.  Why not them, God?  Paul went hungry, cold, and naked.  Why him?  He was yours!

Maybe me.  But God said.  If the walls fall inward, thunder rolls, the mountains move into the sea, and fire rains down, God still said.  I don’t want to live this.  But God said.  I don’t know how.  But God said.  I don’t feel able, but God said.  I don’t get it, but God said.  I’m blind and deaf and dumb and burning, but God said.  So somewhere so deep even I can’t know it, I believe.


This Ranger Has Been Rambling For Too Long

Hi.  I’m new here.  But it’s about time.  I lost my job three years ago next month, and have lived on unemployment or disability since.  I’ve wasted three years thinking about what I should do next.  Wouldn’t most ‘normal’ people think a little faster than that?  Wouldn’t most ‘normal’, non-ADD people, consider the fact that unemployment doesn’t last forever and maybe he or she should spend some quality time either learning a new career or seeking employment in the same one?  Wouldn’t most people of above average intelligence, like me, be so motivated by almost homelessness, few mental treatment options at this income level, and K-Mart clothing that they gave the job and career search much more timely effort?  Well, state disability for my broken ankle ended 2.5 years ago, and unemployment ended today.  Can anyone say “procrastination!”?

I have Attention Deficit Disorder.  Also, I have a Bipolar Spectrum disorder, probably Cyclothymia, for which I take Lamictal.  I also have a generalized Anxiety Disorder for which I take Imipramine.  In addition, I have a ginormous confidence problem exacerbated by the re-employment statistics for my age, gender, and weight.  I’m 51, overweight (how much is still my business), changing careers, and female.

So here’s the deal.  Tonight I sit at my computer, which a lovely friend gave me because I couldn’t buy my own, starting my journey towards an actual earned income and more life options.  Like an ADD coach.  Like organic vegetables, organic milk, and grass fed beef.  Like paying tithe to my church and giving to the fund to help other struggling people.  Like a very occasional trip to Nordstroms and a weekend in Santa Barbara at the Best Western.  And I’m going to blog my every step.  Probably.  With ADD in women all things are uncertain until all the tears are dry and the consequences in motion and the brain stimulation is at it’s zenith.  And I want someone to know why it happened, what challenges I face, how I am overcoming them, and why they, if I can, do it too.